


silhouette

by fiveyaaas



Series: when autumn comes [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Daddy Kink, F/M, Honestly..... eudora deserves better and a hug, Pseudo-Incest, Spanking, all the puns are intentional, already destroyed my soul, also i posted this hungover from pumpkin ale, and I went full crack lmao, and is DEEPLY upset by all of them, and tempted to make an angry comment, another one that it’s just gotta be tagged lmao, but the gist: eudora watches the hargreeves, clover i gifted this to you bc you’d be the most, eudora is upset she got locked in a fridge :(, i KNOW this shit is stupid, it is entirely just me wanting to make puns for 2k words, it’s..... god I just let myself have ONE crackfic, just be aware that pumpkin ale, likely to appreciate it lbr, much more thoroughly, so far it has been... pining angst and..... whatever this is, so if you’re reading this, the smut in this is from a 3rd POV tho so like, there’s benkliego and alluther too technically, this can be read as them having powers or not, this title feels pretentious for a crackfic lmao, which I can assure you i regret more than this fic, you listen to me shitpost so regularly lmao, y’all i promise kinktober will actually be kinky soon lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:14:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26767843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: Eudora Patch knew that there was something wrong with that family. She’d known it from the second she had been locked inside of that fridge, how one second Diego had loved her and the next he had been moaning his brothers’ names. She knew that she could follow Five- have her proof that she wasn’t obsessive, that she was right, that they really were freaks. So when Five slinked past her, to where his sister was hiding inside of a coat closet, Eudora followed him.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: when autumn comes [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941919
Comments: 27
Kudos: 75
Collections: Harcest Fall Festival: Fiveya Kinktober 2020





	silhouette

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunchime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunchime/gifts).



> This is for Clover!!! Your art and writing regularly destroy me, and I appreciate everything you do for the fandom. I also feel like you’d be... the most likely to enjoy this fic :’) Thank you so much for always reassuring me and making me laugh! I hope this makes you smile (because you regularly make me smile!) 
> 
> Also... I let myself have one (1) crackfic for this entire month. So. Y’all are just gonna have to deal with the fact that this isn’t very horny at all for kinktober 😤😤

“There’s something _very_ wrong with the Hargreeves,” Eudora Patch told her committee- the Alumni Network Towards Incest-Free Students (or the ANTIS). It was a committee that had formed because of the group of students she had mentioned, the freaks that had joined their campus last semester. Eudora was certain she would find the proof that they were committing acts of pseudo-incest on campus, and thus why the committee had formed together. It consisted mainly of people who needed to join a club for resume purposes, but Eudora was a devoted president of the ANTIS for reasons of purity, morals, and common sense that the Hargreeves were simply _yucky._

Eudora should probably explain that “Alumni” didn’t include current students (though she was a current student, she had an alumni agree to host the club as long as she’d ‘shut the fuck up about it.’) In fact, their resumes wouldn’t be helped at all by joining this club, but ANTIS were nothing if not talented at taking out a little context and spinning it to their own needs. That’s what being a member of the ANTIS was all about, being _pure_ , even if it was through Machiavellian methods like sending death threats to the Hargreeves via the “student suggestion box” anonymously, saying they should just kill themselves so nobody pure had to do the dirty work. The suggestion box was in the student union, in a blue-painted sitting area some wacky, quirky RA started calling the “Tumbler.” Personally, Eudora felt “tumble” sounded entirely too sexual, in an entirely heteronormative fashion. 

Eudora particularly hated one Hargreeve. She wasn’t certain if that was the singular form of Hargreeves, but being president of the ANTIS wasn’t a job that required much grammatical skills. Mainly, being a member of the ANTIS was about blatantly ignoring the nuance within the textual canon of literature, so grammar skills (coinciding with the subtle art of English as they did) were often set to the side. The important part was being morally superior when they told people to kill themselves. 

For the purposes of finishing what Eudora must say, she must digress. 

The Hargreeves were a nuisance, a scourge. Once Eudora was able to find them proper therapy among the ANTIS, a new therapy she had invented in her time as a devoted member of the STAN (Somewhat Toxic Adult Nerd) committee. She called it “retaining eerie, toxic control over the noncompliant” therapy (or RETCON therapy, for short.) Eudora felt it essential to add that RETCON therapy must not be confused with “retroactive continuity”- a term that she did not enjoy hearing. It was such a homophobic term, considering she would _never_ see the term for a heterosexual character (so long as they didn’t kiss their brother, which is yucky, and in that case, retroactive continuity was _needed_ anyways, even if it meant forcing a relationship instead of dealing with a serious emotional and physical trauma, like losing one’s ability to speak, for example.) 

The Hargreeves had to go through RETCON therapy, and she had found one woman to do the job. Unfortunately, said woman kept telling Eudora, “you need to stop using court-mandated therapy session time for your obsession.” 

“But there’s a vibe! A _vibe,”_ Eudora will insist. 

“You’re twenty-seven, Eudora,” the therapist will say. “Chill the fuck out and do something more productive with your life than harassing strangers.”

Eudora stands tall and proud in front of the ANTIS now, some of whom she knows are not very active members that have only come at the promise of free tacos. “I think if we work hard enough to prove it, we can force them into therapy. Or at least force the Hargreeves women into a convent.” 

Sheepishly, the vice president of the club raises a hand, “How do we know that this is not how siblings just look at one another?”

Eudora sneered at him, remembering being locked in that walk-in fridge at the restaurant she and Diego had worked, hearing the sounds of him yelling for his brothers, Ben and Klaus. She had tried to yell for help to her boyfriend, but it seemed that with the change of seasons, from summer to fall, she had been forgotten, never mentioned by Diego again at all. 

No, there was something wrong with the Hargreeves indeed, despite what the vice president of the ANTIS naively believed. 

And, soon, she would have her proof. 

* * *

The next _incident_ was at a party. One of the fraternities had noticed how it was just quite hot enough to get away with throwing a pool party, and, rich boys, upon seeing an opportunity to get fucked up, set to work immediately. The party was, admittedly, atrocious, but Eudora went, hoping to increase the membership to her club. Immediately upon her arrival, though, she was struck with the sight of two of the Hargreeves.

She eyed them behind a crowd of people; it was the short female one and the one with the stupid name. (Who the fuck would willingly go by the name _Five?)_ The short one was leaning back on the stupid-named one, their feet dipped into the pool serenely. 

Eudora turned to her vice president, gesticulating wildly, but her vice president just shrugged like, _“I’d do that with my brother if I had one, I bet.”_

It was _infuriating._ Maybe it was the spread of that Folgers commercial, years ago, that had made people stop seeing the clear boundaries set between siblings. 

“It’s disgusting,” Eudora muttered. 

Her vice president shrugged again, “They seem like normal siblings to me.”

“She’s now sitting on his _lap,”_ Eudora snapped. “Whatever, she’s clearly a lesbian anyways. Do you see what she’s wearing? She’s probably so desperate for love that she would sleep with a serial killer!”

“Do you think Five Hargreeves is a serial killer?”

“I think he’s one of those more subtle sociopaths,” Eudora admitted. “Like a CEO. Or one of the presidents of the United States.”

Five leaned down, whispering something in his adoptive sister’s ear. His sister blushed before nodding, and then she stalked off somewhere else. Eudora trailed behind her, watching the girl sneak into a coat closet in the frat house.

Eudora popped open a can of PBR, watching the closet intently before abruptly deciding to walk away, deciding that maybe she was better than all of this, maybe she shouldn’t care about things for _negative_ reasons, maybe she should just care about things because she _enjoyed_ them and appreciated them, maybe she should just get a hobby and-

Five pushed past Eudora, walking in the direction of the closet. 

Eudora Patch _knew_ that there was something wrong with that family. She’d known it from the second she had been locked inside of that fridge, how one second Diego had loved her and the next he had been moaning his brothers’ names. She knew that she could follow Five- have her proof that she _wasn’t_ obsessive, that she was _right,_ that they really _were_ freaks. So when Five slinked past her, to where his sister was hiding inside of a coat closet, Eudora followed him. 

Her vice president caught up to her, and she stuck a finger to her lips, listening to the two of them converse inside. 

“—see the way they were looking at us, Five?” The first part of the woman’s question was cut off, but Eudora could easily pick up on it. Her vice president frowned down at Eudora’s obvious angling towards the door, but Eudora just glowered at him. 

“Vanya,” Five told her, and Eudora remembered her name then. “They don’t understand that we _aren’t_ adopted. That we were traded for stacks of cash and treated like shit. I don’t even know if they know about what we are.”

Eudora felt nauseous. She knew exactly what they were. 

“We still call him ‘Father,’” Vanya protested. 

“Yes, because he _forced_ us to call him that,” Five said, voice sounding urgent. “You were never bothered by this before we got here, why now?”

“Because I don’t like feeling like a…” Vanya said the next word like it was a curse. “Freak.”

“Vanya, there’s nothing wrong with us,” Five mumbled. “But I understand if… If it, uh… bothers you, we can stop.” 

Vanya sputtered out a protest, “Of course I don’t want that!”

“Well, what do you want, then, V?”

“I want _you,_ and I want this to not feel wrong.”

The vice president still looked dubious as to whether or not this conversation was platonic, and Eudora rolled her eyes. 

She could practically sense how close the two of them were, heard Vanya being backed into a corner of the closet. “Does this feel wrong, Vanya?” 

Vanya’s voice came out in a pant, “N-no.”

“He’s just reassuring her,” the vice president told her, trying to pull Eudora away, but she wouldn’t budge. “He’s being a good brother. I’m starting to think being a member of ANTIS isn’t for me now, with how rabid you have gotten.” 

“And when I bent you over Reginald’s desk and...?” Five asked, voice cutting off as he spoke just a little too quiet and his voice was warbled through the partition of the closet, but Eudora deduced what he was saying when she heard a very loud _smack_. Oh, sweet Jesus. “Did it feel wrong then?”

Eudora waved her arms in triumph (mixed with the obvious horror), but her vice president just rolled his eyes, “Obviously, you’re misinterpreting all of this.”

Vanya offered Five a verbal affirmative, but clearly he wanted more, ordering, “Say it, Vanya. Did it bother you then? Or did you just care about Daddy making sure you felt good?”

“No, D-daddy,” Vanya whimpered. “I just cared about you making me feel good.”

“Good girl.” 

“Tons of people consider their brother to be a fatherly figure,” the vice president told Eudora, who was trying to get a recording of this to present as proof. Eudora heard Five spank Vanya again, and she wanted to comment, ‘oh, so a disciplinarian father figure then, huh?’

Of course, just as she would have, she heard Five say, “And when I fucked you on his bed?” 

Eudora was about to go ham, finally having significant proof, about to sprint to her club after calling an emergency meeting, having already mentally prepared a 95 Theses (95 Thecest?) to nail to the school board on why they must all be banned with the speed of some sort of writing robot. 

Eudora drank her PBR and sank down on the couch, finally having solid proof and ready to celebrate. Some time later, minutes or hours or days Eudora wasn’t sure, the two freaks left the closet, clothes put on hastily. They shared what appeared to be a disgusting combination of peanut butter and mini marshmallows on white bread, offering moony eyes as they participated in their second most abhorrent activity of the night. 

* * *

Apparently her having solid evidence only meant that they got _more_ brazen. 

She finds out when she sees the flyer for the college’s production of _Rocky Horror Picture Show._ Eudora counted all of the Hargreeves listed in the cast and crew, finding exactly _six._ They put 86% of those freaks in a musical that actively _promoted_ incest and perverse alien sex? Absolutely not. 

When Eudora brought this up to the school board, insisting that it was problematic and disgusting and _wrong,_ they’d frowned at her, asking, “Who are you again?” 

So that’s how she found herself sitting in the university auditorium. Before anyone was to ask her “why, Eudora? Why would you watch something that clearly doesn’t shy away from relationships between siblings if you’re so squicked by it? Why would you insist upon watching it after complaining endlessly to anyone involved in the production? Why would you actively involve yourself with something you clearly despise?”, Eudora must clarify: she was doing this because it was her _responsibility_ as one of the few pure people in this world. Despite them insisting that the directors refused to edit the script of _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ to be more wholesome and less yucky, it was Eudora’s responsibility to watch so she could call them out for it. 

Her vice president made a confused noise as they sat down to watch the musical. “I thought it was supposed to be _Beetlejuice_ we were watching,” he remarked. 

Eudora scowled at him, turning to watch the show. He reached over and took her hand hesitantly, and she didn’t comment, trying to see proof of what she suspected. 

She got it. 

Five and Vanya were, abhorrently, Riff Raff and Magenta. 

But the most horrifying part was not actually those freaks. No, it was Allison and Luther Hargreeves.

And that _song._

Allison played Janet, and Luther played Rocky. And Eudora was forced to watch Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me performed by them. 

She imagined Allison (who very well may be an actress one day, Eudora begrudgingly admits to herself) at a talk show. It’d be hosted by some nameless, mildly-humorous-but-mainly-annoying white man, likely named Jimmy, and he’d affably ask Allison, “What were you first forays into theater?” Would Allison reminisce back to when she set her brother’s hands against her breasts, while he wore only bright golden shorts and she’d said something about anything _growing_ , singing for him to touch her? Or would Eudora be forced to remember that herself? 

There was something very wrong with the Hargreeves, and it seemed like nobody but her truly even cared.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading, and happy kinktober day 2!!!!! 🍂🍁🎃


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